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Ddon’t come to Untold UK’s series of articles about some of our greatest – or most famous – or most famous – footballers who want to discover, question, ponder, analyze or imagine. Come see the power of hagiography and celebration. Or start it, as its latest headline, Vinnie Jones, would say.
Even if you haven’t watched every football game – even if your dad and his pals tried their best as they lined up cans of Boddingtons and managed every last FA and World Cup in the living room, maybe – you’ll have heard of Vinnie Jones. For many years in the 90s he was hard to miss – first as a football player, then as an endless headline maker, and then as a movie star. His bespectacled, charismatic, menacing face would stare at you between the crossed guns resting on his shoulders as the Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels advertising campaign briefly took the world by storm.
Untold UK has no interest in giving too much attention to this series. The first was about Jamie Vardy and centered on Jamie Vardy – although the presence of Rebekah and evidence of her strong hand over her husband and events were exciting for those of us who have been obsessed since Wagatha Christie and are counting down the minutes to the launch of the new ITV show The Vardys. Now his focus is on Vinnie. As with Vardy, he is the interviewer and commentator. This is not the whole picture. It’s another advertising image, but moving.
The program – more than 80 minutes long, for all but the most dedicated – gives a quick glimpse of his career before he was signed by Wimbledon manager Dave “Harry” Bassett in 1986. “Quite lippy,” recalls Bassett. “Most managers would have told him to stop.” Born outside Watford (no date given, but Vinnie is now 61, the smooth planes of his little face softened a little by time – though I wouldn’t let that fool you into thinking he has). He became captain of the boys’ team there, then semi-pro at Wealdstone, which he combined with his work on a construction site. When he entered Wimbledon, said Vinnie, “Vinnie VP is his deputy-wankers and complete wankers he said” – and here he touches posh, fruity and well, wanker in full – “‘You idiot, Harry! He is a hod carrier!'” Bassett shrugged and told them that if the worst came to fix the floor, Vinnie.
Even the opening game that gave away a penalty, it didn’t go that far. The program quickly enters his time at Wimbledon as part of the “Crazy Gang” – which included John Fashanu, who became his best friend – which caused endless scandals and caused the newly promoted team (now the Premier League) to make little progress. Vinnie remembers scoring the winning goal against the mighty Manchester United, managed by Bryan Robson and under new manager Alex Ferguson. “Bet you’re glad I’m not a porter here, aren’t you?” He told them. It’s not so much a line that makes you smile as the idea of him approaching them with his naturally menacing face may not have been rooted in his charming expression as he claimed. I bet several suits had to go to the dryers after that.
We are going, through the successes (which Vinnie seems to include the fact – although unproven – that the wives of opposing teams used to ask their husbands not to play if they are on the field), his reputation as a difficult person on the field is becoming more extreme. A low-income, serious observer may begin to ask a number of research questions at this point. Was he caught in a vicious cycle – known for his brutality and cunning? Was he pushed to extremes, to the point where his career turned into yellow and red cards instead of real football? Do they regret it? Does he feel that what he can do has been accomplished, or has he destroyed himself? But the questions, let alone the answers, do not come, even though the cards are carefully written and the caption at the end of the program shows the fact – well proven – that “Vinnie Jones still holds the record for the most red cards in the history of the English top flight”.
Everything else about his football career is the tabloid (argument, biting his nose, such things) is written with love, without anyone spoiling his opinion by asking anything if, say, his desire for money (confirmed by Fashanu, who was interviewed by Vinnie himself) led to bad decisions. Or the image of a stiff man will be a stumbling block. Or where his instability comes from (nature? nurture? We learn nothing about his childhood or family). Not to mention if he wants to control his anger instead of taking another route.
A quick look at his time in Hollywood and we’re done. Not overly enlightening, but an unexpected pleasure. I don’t need to say that, by the way. They don’t know where I live. I believe.
