If you want to run your first marathon in the 50s, it helps to be chased by zombies Sports

At 56, running my first race, an old, fat, balding man surrounded by millennials in body-hugging Lycra and smiles that seem artificial. But I am ahead of them. Because they are only competing for titles with the best, and I am being chased by zombies.

The black dog of depression hit me around the time of my last birthday. I haven’t felt accomplished in forever. I used to exercise but, over the years, work got in the way. I decided to kill two round vultures, smelling meat with one stone and run my first race.

I started out with audiobooks, but when Ben Elton’s reputation started to wane, I remembered Zombies, Run! – a mobile game that came out years ago. That became my running mate.

You start out in the ruins of a helicopter gunship, with voices in your ears trying to guide you to safety through the ranks of the dead. Interaction comes through short stages where you are told to run fast rather than lope. This is difficult because running is on the list of things you can’t or won’t do in your mid-50s, along with staying up all night without getting up to pee, waiting in line at the amusement park and anything to do with the past.

It’s a well made audio tour. Excellent voice acting, especially Phil Nightingale as Sam Yao, your “runner”. His presentation is Alan Rickman-like stumbling hyperrealism, which helps you get into the action – the key to the success of games like this, because he’s trying to make you forget that you’re playing a game. As you run, you collect or drop items and resources: some are hard, others can be used to build your base on the phone app.

I am doing the Hal Higdon Novice Marathon Training Program, which includes three “short” runs during the week and a “long” run on the weekend. Distances are gradually increased over 18 weeks. For the first few weeks, I’m doing three to four mile runs during the week and six to 10 miles on the weekend. At this distance, the game works well.

Unfortunately, I spent 90 years playing football on hangovers and Red Bull without stretching once. My sore hamstrings give me constant pain after 10km, and this issue is no longer enough to distract me. Fortunately, the best of Zombies, Run! is that you can connect the game to the playlist on your phone, to get a moment of exposition, then the music fades out for a bit before returning to the story. This is where the second part of my sports education came.

Genesis and the excellent Legends and Monsters EP, using a Game Boy-like sequencer to control the Sega Mega Drive chips, resulting in an amazing technology with a subtle analog feel. When this EP started after a fun zombie cut scene, I felt like I was in a video game: Sonic the Zombie Escaper. I put these songs on my track day playlist.

With zombies behind me and music playing in 170bpm in my ears, I tore through, smashing my PB for 1km, 5km, 10km and a half marathon as my group of apocalypse survivor chums and I searched for a submarine and rescued a group of children from a dead end.

And then, at mile 15 of 26… my phone died.

Suddenly, there was no more disturbing zombie story and more upbeat music. Various demands for GPS-enabled trackers, music and games drained my 80% iPhone battery to zero in less than three hours.

Now I was alone.

Every part of my body started to hurt, my heart rate reached 170, I felt like I was going to lose, the nature of the race changed from hilly to hilly, and it became 10 times more difficult, like going from a clear place to an underground cave while playing an old Scramble game.

I had three eye surgeries a few years ago for my left eye. The pain of that was biblical. I still get PTSD. But those surgeries were a five-minute nightmare, and these were hours of running with the devil stabbing my buttocks in the cheeks while his demons beat my calves, knees and moans with pitchforks. I do not remember my thoughts during this torture.

I came around. Finally. But he wasn’t Sonic the Hedgehog. It was like Death Stranding, with your character carrying the whole of Swindon on his back.

I ran the first half in two hours and 10 minutes and the second half in three and a half hours. Now I have to train someone to beat five hours – because that’s what dafties like me do. Luckily, Zombies, Run! now it’s almost season 11, and i just got to the end of season 2.

The gameplay makes sense, because what else is competitive but a long, boring RPG where you gain health, skill, speed and stamina stats before taking on the final boss? Forget Elder Scrolls, I’m here for Elder Strolls. And maybe Half-Dead Redemption.