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REality TV always has to discuss the issue of L’Oréal’s copy, that’s the thing. Do you remember 2007 controversy or are you alive and I need to explain? OK. The beauty brand was pulled over the coals after an advertisement for their “telescopic” mascara, which starred Penelope Cruz, said it gave 60% longer lashes. This, the ASA found, reflects actual growth rather than an estimate of what was provided. Also, Cruz was wearing false eyelashes to close the gaps (a corporate practice, L’Oréal said, to maintain the drawing line) and this raised the effect of the product on natural lesions. L’Oréal is considered to have crossed an inextricable line between the amount of misrepresentation that is an acceptable part of advertising to something like lying.
Reality TV now has to walk the same lines. How much can it be produced and claim to be undocumented? How can they avoid plotting and how can controversial setups be made clear before they become ridiculous and the audience turns away?
Welcome to the latest investigation of this phenomenon, Suddenly Amish, an eight-part series that puts strangers at the heart of Amish culture to see how they will fare and whether any of them will want to join the church – or be accepted if they do – at the end of a month-long trial.
A few things before we start. First – there is no way. There’s no way a proper, self-identified Amish group would sign up for a reality show, especially this one. Their leader, Bishop Vernon, says that the community is in need of new blood because babies of close relatives can be born with “mental and physical problems”. Again, I question how a true Mennonite would be willing to admit the problem of reproduction in the church, but I appreciate the honesty if that is the case.
Second – there is no way to compete. Specifically, there is no way that Kendra (LA dancer, former party girl and brief owner of OnlyFans before she found God five years ago) arrived at the ranch wearing a halterneck mini dress without the designer’s permission/prompt. No way Amish-loving cosplayer Billie Jo – who lives in Amish garb (like her little dog) in New York and criticizes Kendra after seeing her “lazy” presentation – comes with a sex toy in her suitcase. None of them have been chosen because of their desire to live a more spiritual life and in particular there is no way that 42-year-old Aaron, the son of an evangelical preacher, has been chosen for anything other than the fact that he lost his virginity 10 years ago (“Poor situation instead,” he says secretly, although the idea is that he wants to wait for marriage). They also have a “hidden defect”, which is revealed in the worst possible way; as their Amish masters James and Emma pass their suitcases full of “worldly” things before letting them through the door, James holding the phone cord in disgust and triumph. Aaron then reveals that he is hearing impaired and relies on his phone to use Bluetooth devices. James did not allow the phone to enter the house and said that he would talk to the elders. Suddenly the Amish have already been found in the US and many commentators have said that the Amish allow technology and electricity in medical devices, and hearing aid will fall under this rubric perhaps but the most dangerous repetition of the community.
Beyond that, it’s obvious setup after obvious setup. There’s Esmeralda’s meltdown at being told to do without her fake eyelashes (it all starts to stick! My imagination works!), acrylic nails and bottles of skincare. There is attraction between the foreigners, between the foreigners and the Amish, and – unless the ears, eyes and change deceive, which of course they will do well – Emma and James, who are (we are told) third cousins once removed.
The big revelations – such as one of the guests coming as a man and a woman – are held until the next episodes, and at the moment we have the hosts wondering if they will get rid of the divorcee, the couple who go to the same motel, and if James should be blamed for kicking half of the gay couple out of the house with an ax or praised for it. Nothing rings true, nothing is so conscious, even accidental, that it takes action, and in the end you can feel grateful that most of the Amish will never know what happened under their name. If he does, I think Bishop Vernon can expect to be forgotten.
