Madonna & Graham review – it’s ‘gay heaven’ when Kylie arrives | Television

Lon, 26 May. Tower Bridge spans the Thames as, say, Madonna in Like a Virgin. Piccadilly lights. Ray of Light vibes. Graham is putting it in a dark cupboard. (Forget Norton: such is the power of today’s theme that his presence only adds to the need for names.) To all of them – London, the dance floor, Graham, you, me, the universe – Madonna whispers “thank you for coming”. I feel so relaxed. And it begins.

The opening must be huge for the “incomparable Madonna” – as the BBC’s press special called her – now that we are in the final stages of releasing her new album Confessions II. This one is judged perfectly. Good and good. Equal parts outré and gay.

“I’m always nervous to meet Madonna,” Norton laughs as his cab heads to Koko, where Madonna played her first UK gig in 1983 and where she returned to launch Confessions on the Dancefloor in 2005. Cue archive footage of adoring girls in perms and rule-the-world quotes as “Graham great rides up to meet”. The video changes to slo-mo as they enter the red hall of prostitution. There, alone on the stage, is Madonna.

“Madonna while I sit and breathe! Back to the dance floor!” he declares, which is nowhere near his first statement on The Graham Norton Show in 2012, when he lost and shouted “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, IT’S MADONNA!” He stands on stage and tells beautiful little stories about Madonna finding her territory on the dance floor. “That’s how I started,” he says. “Dance is in my DNA.” And that’s why he chased the Detroit Menjo club in the 1970s. “The doors opened and there were two handsome shirtless men in rollerkates, bow ties and shorts, carrying a drink on a tray. I was like wow, we’re not in Kansas anymore!

It was Christopher Flynn, her life-changing ballet teacher in Michigan, who took her to dance. She said: “He’s the first man I met. Norton: “Not the last…” Madonna: “I’m not the last!”

It starts very well. There’s Madonna in her dame prime, draped in off-the-shoulder silk, fingerless gloves and Yves Saint Laurent sandals for the Confessions tour. (Not the original, stolen at Coachella, go on.) And there’s Norton. Looking amazing. And asking useless questions. But, you know, don’t we all?

After an uneventful ride in an elevator captured on CCTV, a strangely stationary mid-section begins. With special guest, Confessions I and II creator Stuart Price. (The second special guest is … holy mother of God … Kylie.) They listen to parts of new music and do face-to-face. The influence of Detroit techno and Chicago house on Confessions II, produced at Price’s Maida Vale studio over the course of a year, is discussed. Norton, perhaps stymied by the artist’s control, Price’s presence, or Madonna’s overblown status quo, never seems to stop asking questions. Like: “Who goes into the studio first?” Or “Where did (this song) come from?” “It came from my life,” Madonna replies with a hesitant voice.

Not that an interview about Madonna’s creativity can’t be interesting. Or, refreshingly, the men who’ve asked her over the years — and this fan has seen them all — haven’t had too much trouble with her music. Only this is not the case.

Part of the problem is the format – the interview is combined with guest appearances, photos, video and Confessions II – Movie clips. A two-hander would have had a more intimate and interesting effect, but TV producers seem to have decided that we are no longer interested in such things.

So he went back downstairs to drink. Who is serving at the bar? Kylie! Another strange thing follows when Kylie makes her own copy of Madonna’s first LP, Madonna admits that she was a little jealous of Kylie “because she was very beautiful and I think my ex-husband at the time had a problem with her”, and Norton feels like he “died and went to gay heaven”.

Titbits for fans whose passion for Madonna has reached a fever pitch is, I’m afraid, small when you compare this to the magazine’s customer service, sex and sex with Mel Ottenberg. Which, unfortunately for the BBC, went down again this week. But we learn about his feelings in London. And how he wrote a new song about his late brother, Christopher, after speaking to him: “He was in so much pain, I knew it was almost over… I went upstairs and wrote a song.” And how his daughter Lola, with whom he co-wrote a duet on Confessions II, “has been very friendly to work with me” and is “struggling with these feelings of youth”.

Oh, and Madonna’s promotional tour planned for “something big this summer”. Norton: “In this world?” Madonna: “It could be.” Hmmmm. And with that he accuses Norton of knowing “it all” all the time, and we’re no longer left in the dark, which is probably how one of history’s best sellers likes it.