Zero points! The 10 biggest UK Eurovisions of all time | Television

Wwell, this is difficult. The UK continued its poor results in the Eurovision Song Contest on Saturday night, when See Mother No Computer finished the stone under the board. Check out all the latest geopolitical intrigue and head-scratchers on how to get things done next year. Paging Cliff Richard and sending a fax of Bucks Fizz…

It put the cherry on top of a punishing week for the Britons in Vienna. At least Boy George was contacted to add strength to San Marino’s entry, but he failed even in the final. The UK has now not won the annual pop festival for nearly three decades. But where does this latest fiasco rank in the all-time hall of shame? We count the 10 biggest in the UK Eurovision curves, from worst to worst. Hello Europe, this is an embarrassing call.

10 Andy Abraham (2008)

“Andy the Binman”, to give him his full name, was an X Factor contestant who once worked as a rubbish collector. She won the selection contest, Eurovision: Your Choice, with the soul banger Even If – bringing out the angsty, bookish Michelle Gayle. Come the big night in Belgrade, Abraham performed second on the bill, a death-defying venue, and finished with just 14 points. He had the consolation of being undefeated by fellow Irishman Dustin from Turkey, who was knocked out in the semi-finals. We doubt that birds play.

9. James Newman (2021)

Poor James Newman was shamed into entering the UK not once, but twice. After recording the likes of Rudimental, Calvin Harris and Kesha, the leather-clad Yorkshireman was chosen to represent the UK in 2020 with the unfortunately titled ballad My Last Breath – the competition was canceled due to the Covid pandemic. After waiting for 12 months, he entered again with a new song, called Embers, becoming the second British in history to receive nul points, and finished.

8. Scooch (2007)

Imagine the sounds of a bubblegum pop four-piece like “like The Steps, but worse” and you’ll get the idea. He wore a cabin crew uniform for a camp performance of Flying the Flag (For You), complete with the announcements “This is your director speaking”. Songs full of innuendo included “Salt nuts, sir?” and “Do you need something absorbent to get off?” They got 12 points from Malta, seven from Ireland and, no, nothing else, leaving Scooch second from last. Journalists described it as an “accidental slide”.

7. Electro Velvet (2015)

The UK went “electro swing” ten years ago and paid the price. The duo’s single, Still in Love With You, included a string of songs and was worse compared to the jingle from the Birds Eye potato waffles advert (“waffly versatile”). Diane Abbott MP put down her M&S mojito a long time ago: “Is it me? Or was Electro Velvet really bad?!” It has scored only five points. One half of the duo, Alex “Larkey” Larke, now sings in a band called The Rollin’ Clones.

6. Mae Muller (2023)

After labrador people Sam Ryder regained national pride by finishing second in 2022, Liverpool qualified for the next tournament on behalf of war-torn Ukraine. Camden-born Muller – grandson of actor Billie Whitelaw, fans – was selected to represent the UK on home soil. Her Dua Lipa-esque I Write a Song finished second from bottom, beating only German metallers Lord of the Lost. We think it’s… something?

5. Engelbert Humperdinck (2012)

It sounded like a joke. Unfortunately, that was not the case. Inspired by the Mediterranean countries that sent cheesy crooners over kitsch, the UK tapped into the 1960s balladeer formerly known as Gerry Dorsey. It led to him not taking the race seriously and the 76-year-old lost to voters. Not even the lucky necklace Elvis gave him can help Hump. His treacly song, Love Will Set You Free, scored just 12 points and finished in 25th place out of 26. The British public sang with grace, calling for him to quit the competition in protest.

4. Michael Rice (2019)

The former Hartlepool star won BBC singing show All Together Now last year. After being flown to Tel Aviv to perform the power ballad Than Us, he came in last with just 16 points. Another disappointment followed when he was deducted five points for a mix-up with the Belarusian judges. Talk about beating a man down.

3. Watch Mother No Computer (2026)

See Mother No Point, as. The UK went to the unusual price this year, sending synth-popper Sam Battle to Austria with the song Eins, Zwei, Drei. It received a single from the judges, a zero from the viewers and finished bottom of the board – the third time since 2020 that the UK has come last. Battle admitted the song was “Marmite – you either love it or you hate it”. Voters chose the second option and fired him.

2. Josh Dubovie (2010)

Pete Waterman, who became famous, also recorded Josh Dubovie’s song, That Sounds Good to Me. Sadly, the naff Europop confection didn’t resonate with anyone. Despite the Facebook campaign to reach No 1 during Eurovision week, it ranked at 179. Oops. At night in Oslo, it scored only 10 points. Dubovie later changed his stage name to Josh James to help him “move forward”.

1. Gemini (2003)

Liverpudlian school alumni Chris Cromby and Gemma Abbey named themselves Gemini because it sounds like “Gem and I”. Their last release of Cry Baby in Latvia was a struggle, with the duo insisting that a technical fault meant they couldn’t hear their backing tracks. He registered first place in the UK, receiving nil points. BBC commentator Terry Wogan said the UK was suffering from a “post-Iraq war”. Talent show judge Louis Walsh was unforgiving: “It’s like someone walked into Boots, went up to the first person they saw behind the counter, asked if they could sing and they said ‘no’ – but they were selected.”